Juxtaposed me 2

I have tried so hard to fit in a group. I have tried so hard to appear and sound 'cool'. I have tried so hard to show that I don't care. And this is not the first time I have done it. Through adolescence, my efforts to fit in have created a conflict of interest with my dreams, my aspirations. When I contemplate, I find my behaviour to be juxtaposing.

When I was 8 years old, I wanted to play cricket with guys who were15. When I became 15, I wanted to have a girlfriend like those 20 year olds and at the same time, I was jealous of the kids who were carefree. There have been many eerie moments, where I tried not being myself, where I tried to shift the camps, but to no avail. An important lesson, which I learn at the end of every academic year and forget by the time next academic year starts, revolves around this principle of acceptability. 

“The friends that I make intentionally are highly unlikely to stay in my life beyond a few months.” Naturally, accidental friends, with whom I don't have to strike up a conversation, stay with me. Other than this, awkward silence is the most natural (?) thing that occurs to my mind when I force myself to make a conversation. I don't belong to the social strata that demands conversation. I belong to a place, where silence is not awkward.

People that I sometimes intentionally try talking to are reflections of my hidden desires. Their parties, their gatherings, their outings, their profile pictures are cooler and their lives are desirable. But why should they invoke the inferiority in my mind, I keep asking myself. My reality is what I have around me. It includes the clothes that I wear, the places that I can afford, the food that I eat, the perfume that I wear, the public transport bus that I travel in and the friends that I have.

I will emphasize the importance of 'Friends that I have' one more time. Because, this blog is essentially about them. It is about them because they are not ashamed of my flaws, my limitations. They are not intimidated by my personality, by my qualities. It is about them because I don't have a lukewarm relationship with them, and because they don't praise me 24/7.

I have read many books including How to make friends by Dale Carnegie and 1000 ways to communicate and blah blah blah. But they did not help me as it is impossible humanly to inculcate all those things. In Journalism, they say, one good source can make your career. And yet, a journalist is never satisfied with one source. He keeps running to validate his information. This so called inquisitive or adventurous nature has kept me away from people that I should be with. But now, I want to fill up that space honestly. Because I've understood one thing, my charger is in their hands.